A Nervous Lil’ Peek-A-Boo

Hello y’all 🙂

This is pretty much a huge update from my side, so if you’re reading this, I’m assuming you care (or probably just curious or bored who am I kidding lol) and either way I’m very thankful for that.

And if this is your first time on this blog, well, hello there! I’m Brin :)) (We’ll come to that part soon) Feel free to look around as much as you’d like to!

And if you’re one of my regular readers, a big FAT hello to you! I’ve missed you guys a lot!

Now, I do not know how much difference my words might make, probably nothing for all it’s worth, but well I suppose I’m obliged to do this, at least for myself.

A lot of you sweet humans asked me about my hiatus and I must say its only fair that I let you know. But the truth is, I don’t have a specific reason. I was at a point in time where a lot of new things were happening around me. Lots of things unfurled way too fast and it all kept my head in a whirlwind. University was a whole new eventful experience after this one whole mundane year inside my house. So yes, I had to take my time and my blog just slipped through my fingers for a while.

I do regret it though. It was, to be honest, a very cool period of time and I should have 100% LOVED to reflect on it and react and blog about everything that happened. (I wouldn’t call it entirely spectacular. “Eventful” might be more of the word here. )

But I had no time to even process half the things let alone write about it. I even tried maintaining a voice journal, but I’d just be too tired every night that I’d just crash only to wake up the next day. It was all very cool, yes. But right now, I’m starting to be able to step back and process things. And yes, I’m missing my blog. A. LOT.

I know I’ve been a tad irregular and I’m very much trying to change that. The “fear of being targeted and judged” was on my mind for so long that all I’d do is just procrastinate. And my shit’s all a bit scattered and I don’t know where to start either, let alone be able to navigate right. I also did come across a little cynicism and that did push me to procrastinate as well.

But this is a place that I cherish as my own. And I suppose when you open it out to the internet and the people around you, it’s always gonna be a mix of everything. But you have the choice to focus on you and what matters to you and I guess that’s ultimately more than enough.

And not everyone has to agree with my taste and or get to have a say how I maintain my blog. This is me, this is my level of classiness and I love it and I want it this way. I know it was a little setback that I encountered now, but I’m trying and what’s life without that?

And what’s life without us doing what we want?

So yes, citizens of the internet, here I am 🙂

Although right now, I feel like I’ve reached a… juncture. It constantly reminds me of how they say this age of 18 to 19 years old is when you really introspect and think about finding your purpose in life. But this whole aura has been a tad bit more visible over the past couple of weeks. I don’t know what to think anymore, I do not know what I want anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing and whether I like it or whether i want something else. It’s been troubling me and I genuinely don’t know who to talk about it to, and even if I do, how would they get it when I couldn’t get it myself?

I’m glad I’m able to express this now over here, because over the past few days I’ve been feeling irrationally restless and subconsciously feeling low and uninterested in it all, and …well, looks like I still do not know how to express it right! I tried to diagnose it though. I’ve been inside my house for the past 4 months now and living in an online world (don’t even ask), and I thought it could probably be because of all that- the mundaneness of it all. Then I thought it could be because of the fact that I’m a master procrastinator (I’m writing this post in the middle of math class, and now I’ll have to spend another evening catching up🤡 yay to procrastination🥳) and all the pending work might be lowkey driving me mad.

But I do not think its because of any one of those reasons specifically. However, it could be a mixture of all those; lots of small insignificancies leading you to question bigger things. You know, at some point, you just…hit there. You sit in the middle of it all, and just think about things- all things that somehow grow to hold an equal value compared to the rest -to the point where every direction feels equally appealing or unappealing. And you don’t know which one is yours.

And maybe that’s what I’m doing now. I genuinely feel like something is missing in my life, and with the current situation (*cough* pandemic *cough*) its maybe okay for us all to feel a little unbalanced. But its driving me crazy and with everyday I’m feeling a little more lost.

And that’s how I arrived here. I wanna explore all things and find what vibes to me better. I wanna reflect and sort it through. But whilst I do that, I also wanna stay true to who I am and embrace my identity. Which is why…… I’ve slowly decided to remove the anonymity part of this blog. And start with revealing my birthname.

Aaand this is where I stop blogging for now. :))

Oh and by the way? 🙂 While I wrote this post, I felt the old vibes and an entire mood creeping through my bones. Inching its way through my whole body. And I blasted Hallucinate by Dua Lipa – completely let it all out and absolutely. danced. my heart out. My ankles are hurting but I’m at the happiest I’ve ever been over the past few days. Probablyy sounds a little cliched but that’s just how it is. 😌

But what do you guys think? Do you think I should reveal my name instead of hiding behind a pen name? Would it affect my blog or my writing? How have you been doing? Let me know everything in the comments below! I’m dying to hear from y’all !!

Yours as ever